Author: Walt Braley

Dear New York Times Opinions and Editorials Page (or whatever nationally recognized publication ultimately receives and runs this column; I feel assured that wherever this piece has landed is a news journal of the highest regard),  Allow me to introduce myself. I am KIRGO!, or as many of you likely know me by now, the massive reptilian creature that just weaved a path of destruction through half of Northeast Asia. I am writing this just off the coast of South Korea, where I have chosen to take a break from my seemingly random acts of destruction to attempt to make…

With the pandemic lingering and major technological advancement creating new normalized systems of communication not being the fad some of us bet it would be (you’ll get your $20, Dave), it seems like remote job interviewing is going to be a skill everyone will need to make the most out of in their career pursuits going forward. Remote job interviews typically consist of a virtual sit-down call over a computer video chatting software like Zoom, Skype, or the haunted Skype-like program from 2014’s Unfriended (same as the program from 2018’s Unfriended: The Dark Web). While some would argue interviewing remotely…

Well, the one thing I didn’t want to happen has happened. My stimulus check finally came through and I’m $600 wealthier, but it might as well have stayed in the government’s sweaty pockets, because hit wellness and lifestyle brand Goop has already run out of their flagship item, candles that smell like Iron Man 3 star Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina.  This is extremely crushing to me specifically, considering I’ve been eyeing the candle since the first stimulus check hit back in April. I had originally planned to spend that check on one of the alluring candles, but some minor issues with…

Hey dude, I just got back from the gym and was scrolling through FX Now on my Roku and guess what I stumbled across. A little fantasy action epic called Warcraft.  At first I thought, “There’s no way this is a live-action feature film adaptation set in the universe of my favorite MMORPG World of Warcraft. No, there’s no way that’s the case because if it was then surely my boy would have told me about it.” Well, according to WoWWiki, that’s exactly what it is. Are you kidding me with this, bro? You know for a fact my life is Warcraft extended universe…

Source: Taco Bell This morning, December 16th, Taco Bell put out an official press release to hype up the return of their flagship specialty item, the Nacho Fries. The item typically cycles through the fast food restaurant’s limited-time menu twice a year and this new release doesn’t show any major differences. What is different, however, is the world around the Nacho Fries. The United States is a powder keg of civil unrest and political homerism that seems to be waiting for any spark to light the fuse. It makes economists like myself stop to wonder if the return of Taco…

As the leaves begin to change and Halloween approaches, one upstate New York summer camp is just now preparing to open for its summer season.  Camp Crystal Lake, known for its illustrious woodline and remarkably consistent murderous rampages, defies all logic once again by waiting until this week to bring in the counselors who will watch over the campers expected to arrive later in the month.  While it seems eccentric or even nonsensical, it isn’t that out of the ordinary for the long-running and long-closing summer camp. In fact, the camp has found that it consistently draws the biggest crowd…

With the United States still being in the midst of a pandemic, state officials across most of the country have recommended staying home or flat-out banned the act of trick-or-treating this Halloween. As an adult, I am, of course, perfectly fine with that. For those who may not know, trick-or-treating is the childish act of walking door-to-door in the hopes of receiving free candy. Being a 26-year-old, I am in no way effected by its cancellation. Sure, it is the one night of the year in which delicious off-brand chocolate or – if you know where to look – mini…

The xenomorph is one of the most iconic monsters in all of film, making their biology an endlessly argued topic. Well now, I’ve cracked the exact lifespan of the xenomorph, and it never has to be questioned again. https://youtu.be/GSxooJ46EkU Hungry for more? Be sure to subscribe to our YouTube channel.

1. Forrest Gump (1994) In a movie where the main character basically sees it all, there was still one element that was ultimately cut out. Early cuts of the film had Forrest spending a scene of the movie telling his story to Gizmo. This decision was made in an effort to capitalize on Gremlins’ already established audience, as the original draft of the script called for the scene to star an octopus. 2. Terminator (1984) Gremlins made waves when it came out in 1984, but the creatures almost made their feature-film debut in another movie from that year. The film…

If you are sick and tired of feeling sick and tired, then we have the perfect low-effort remedy! The Food and Drug Administration has just released a study recommending that Americans think about exactly five to seven clams a day. The study states that by simply thinking about clams, and the answerless questions they bring, people work their brains harder, keeping them more prepared for complex thinking. Are they alive? Can they bite? Are they okay to eat? Wait, am I thinking about oysters? These are just some of the complex questions that come to mind when thinking about clams…