Author: Wes Janson

(An Essential ‘Step-By-Step’ Guide for Successfully Getting Out of the Building) You’re never prepared when it occurs. You’ve repeatedly pushed the idea out of your mind. Life’s problems have solutions, and disasters only affect other people, right? Despite warnings, you’ve brushed off the possibility while naively thinking, “It will never happen to me!” And then it does happen. While in your office at 8:00 am, you suddenly notice that everyone in the factory that employed you is panicking.  You wonder what all the commotion is about, so you walk out and observe a horrifying scene.  Papers are strewn all over the place,…

Step #1: Compose a cover letter that displays your sincere interest in the position as well as your professionalism.  Also, do not forget to show all due respect to the management office that does the hiring. Dear Fuckers, I was wiping my ass with a piece of newspaper last night when I saw that your company has a position available for an “Assistant Program Analyst / Coordinator of Special Events.”  I don’t really know what the hell that title means or what the position actually requires, but I’m interested because I’m broke and my rent is due next week.   If you’re anything like the last unholy and…

Life can be unfair. Tragedy and loss can strike at any moment, and horrible circumstances usually come along without warning. People who face devastating and heart-breaking situations often feel overwhelmed, exhausted, and unable to cope. Sometimes, it can be extraordinarily hard (if not impossible) to comfort someone who is suffering tremendously. If you’re unsure of what to say or do when encountering someone who is in unbearable pain, then simply follow this helpful seven-step guide:   Step #1: Find Out What Happened This part is usually difficult because the other person will probably be crying tremendously. The words they are trying to say usually…

1. Did you once try to write a novel based loosely on your own experiences only to have the main character die on page ten before you spilled Canadian whiskey all over your desk and fell backward off your chair? 2. Does the Peppermint Schnapps you keep in your cupboard help you cope when people get headaches, become highly stressed out, and eventually fall asleep whenever they proofread drafts of your work? 3. A very prestigious literary magazine shut down and went offline after receiving one of your short stories. Does a nice, tall glass of Long-Island iced tea help…

Step 1: Make Sure You Have a Basic Understanding of Grammar Great writing does not necessarily require a highly advanced and extremely technical understanding of grammar. Just make sure you know how to properly use the basics, such as: epiphoras; logosglyphs; neologisms; simple, intermediate, and advanced palindromes; vocative cases; onomatopoeias; anaphoras; colloquialisms; squinting, restrictive, limiting, and dangling modifiers; tautology; and (of course) zeugmas. Keep it simple. If your grammar becomes too complicated, the reader may lose interest or (even worse) begin to think you’re an asshole! Step 2: Use Your Natural Talent for Grammar and Creativity to Describe Your Life Experiences…